Friday, February 7, 2014

Our "SnowBlower Boy."

For Christmas Brody received this hat as a Christmas gift from my parents.  Since the moment we laid eyes on it, there was love at first sight. We call this hat, the "Snowblower" hat. My family and I could picture him wearing it, pushing his own miniature snow blower, and showing us who's boss. Just the other day my dad went to Lowe's and saw a small rake there, and admitted he thought about buying it for Brody. Mind you it's the middle of winter and Brody has yet to even conquer rolling over yet! We are just all so excited seeing him grow and learn. My parents just love their grandchild.

To Brody, this hat is nothing but a nuisance, but I love how this hat adds another whole level of his adorableness {that's a word, right?} and it keeps his big head warm this blustery, cold winter. Okay, mom confession moment. A few weeks ago I had Brody alone in the car with me driving to a friend's house for dinner. Halfway through the car ride Brody begins screaming to the top of his lungs. Normally I'd pull over and check on him, but I was already running late and Brody hates car rides. He starts crying the moment we place him in his car seat. I pulled into my friends' driveway, and opened up the backseat to take Brody out. I was welcomed with the sight of him still screaming with the hat covering half his face. I quickly adjusted the hat and he started calming down. I was upset with myself that I hadn't just pulled over in the beginning and checked on him. You live and learn, right? So needless to say Brody dislikes the hat.

Before he outgrew the hat, I snapped some memories for his grandparents and I. I think he's beautiful, but oh those eyes. I love photographing them. I feel like I could stare at them for hours {maybe I do, maybe I don't}. His eyes are his soul, and when he smiles, oh I'm lost completely.

 February 10th he'll be four months....
....wait a minute
I thought he was going to stay my little Bro Bro forever?

Saturday, February 1, 2014


I noticed last week Brody is started to seem clingy to his momma. In one way I love it, yet at the same time I'm dreading this stage.

Knowing we have that connection is mind blowing and touches my very soul and reminds me just how special your own child is. Brody will be four months February 10th, and I'm already wondering where did the time go. He is already growing so fast and in length has taken up my arms. I haven't found anything better than scooping him into my arms and having him look at me with his big round eyes. This little person with my heart inside him that glows every time he smiles. 

He captures me. I can be ready to pull my hair out but after two minutes watching him with his daddy or playing by himself in the crib, I've already forgotten what I was angry about with him in the first place. That little thirteen pound boy of mine is like a spell that's been cast upon me forever and it wasn't from an evil witch. Instead, it's from God. A lil' love potion.

I need to take a deep breath and remember: this time is only here for a fleeting moment. The day will come when I'll be begging him to be in my lap, to hold him like I do now. I'm not taking this for granted. 

I need to remember anger is for a fleeting moment, but love is forever. I need to remember all his little quirks as a baby and capture those moments. I need to write as much as possible, and document his growth everyday. 

Even on his rough days, his fills my heart with love. It's true, I could never not love him. I may not like him for a moment, but there is no backspace button for my love. 

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Simply Because You Love

Story Continued. To read the first chapter click here.

By 8:00pm Brody was released from the hospital and able to go home. We were told if he spikes a fever of 103 or higher we'd have to bring him right back. We stopped at my parent's house to grab his swing and they were gracious enough to also wrap us up dinner.

I sat with Brody the whole car ride, and my heart just ached. He was exhausted, I was exhausted. I wanted to wrap my little one in my arms and sing quietly to him. But first, we needed to give him more tyneol and the Tamma flu. Giving him medication couldn't of gone any worse. We tried putting little by little in the side of his cheek and time and time again he would spit it out. What a nightmare! We tried putting the tamma flu in a bottle with some breast milk and he would furry his eyebrows and refuse to take any. Finally, he took the tyneol when I put dime sized droplets on my finger and he sucked it.

Since he was exhausted from the day, I assumed he would pass right out after I rocked him. I tucked him in bed with me, and no more than ten minutes later he was letting out a piercing cry. I tried patting his back and giving him a pacifier, but he wouldn't stop....which isn't normal for my typically calm baby. Yes, he gets upset like all babies do, but he never screams bloody murder. He soothes easily, and normally stops the moment he's picked up. Brody cried for two hours and didn't pass out until 1:30am in my arms. Truly one of the longest days of my life. While he was crying I was praying in my head.
I was scared his temperature had shot up, but he wasn't any higher. I prayed for health and for the strength to understand him, to know how to comfort and take care of him.

Since I became pregnant, I am mom. That little boy may be three months technically, but to me he's a year old already. When I was carrying him, I already felt protective, worried, and unconditional love. 
I've realized what makes me a momma isn't about being perfect. It's about messing up and straightening my back and standing taller for the next blow. It's about being his stability. To hold his little hand and look into his beautiful big eyes and tell him it's going to be okay. And as you're doing that you may be dropping your own big tears on his cheeks...simply because you love.
I am so thankful nothing more serious is happening with my baby. Lord gives you the strength to bear all, but for me, this was enough.

We wake in the middle of the night and rock our babies, we calm every fear and wipe every little tear drop.We love big and we know we don't have it all together. We are enough. And we don't need someone else's idea of a "real mom" to shape us or take us down a wrong path.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Go with your Instincts.

God gives mother's instincts for a reason. And when we ignore our sixth sense, that's when problems occur.

Friday Brody, Mom, and I spent the day at the er.  My little one wasn't feeling well. Friday morning Brody didn't wake up his usual self, and I had held him most the night. He wouldn't smile and didn't each much, and I wasn't allowed to put him down unless I wanted to hear his heart-breaking scream. Bradd was picking us up at 9:30, I had to work a store all day where we sell inventory from.  I stopped everything and held my Brody. I knew something was wrong, and I just kissed his head and rocked him. I didn't want to let him go.

We dropped Brody off at my mother' house and as I gave him to her I told her he was very clingy today and then burst into tears. I was upset, because I knew he needed me...and I was choosing to ignore.

I debated. And in the end I chose being responsible to the wrong job.
Mommas mess up. We all end our life with a few mistakes under our belts.

At 11:00am at the store my mom calls me from her friend's house and says Brody has a temperature of 101.7 and he wouldn't eat from her-which wasn't normal. My heart dropped. The second I got off the phone with my mother my husband walks in and takes one look at my face and asked what was wrong. "Brody's really sick," was all I could say before I started crying. I knew I needed to call his doctor and call my mother back and began dialing the pediatrician's number. After punching the number in, I handed my cell phone to Bradd. I was just too choked up to talk to them. They scheduled an appointment that afternoon at 1:30 and I called my mom back and told her I'd see her then. We found someone to replace me at the store, and I had to just wait until she showed up and I could leave.

Of course it felt like a year had gone by before 1:00 came around, but eventually it did. When my mom arrived I jumped in the back seat where Brody was and held his little hand and quietly talked to him. He was wide awake, but his eyes looked sad.  I teared up again with my mom as I told her how sorry I was that she had to do this and how awful I felt. She told me not to worry and just glad she was with me. So was I. 
We rushed to the doctors and waited. As we waited in the "Transformers Room," I held him close and and swayed back and forth with him. Once Brody was seen they weighed him, checked his mouth, checked his genitals, his ears, his neck, his temperature, and pricked his finger. He weighed 13 pounds, his mouth was alittle red, his ears were draining, and his temperature was high.
We told the pediatrician my sister was just diagnosed with the flu earlier that same day.
When they pricked his finger to draw blood, I couldn't help but cry. I was holding him, he was squeezing my fingers in his right hand and she was trying to draw blood from his left. Trying because she could barely get any since he was so dehydrated. It was a mess. She kept squeezing his finger and after squeezing trying to scoop the little droplets into an extremely small tube. Finally she drew enough and cleaned the spot and stuck an abnormally large bandage on for his little finger. Later when my dad {his grandpa} saw the bandage, he told Brody he'd buy him some spider man bandage's instead. He loves his grandson and had been the first one to suspect he was sick. He had told my mother Brody felt warm to him at their house. Just call him the baby whisperer. 
After the pricking incident, we turned on his favorite lullaby app, dressed him, and waited for the doctor to come back in. He agreed it appeared to be the flu. He prescribed Brody for tamma flu twice a day and ordered more testing at the ER to make sure he wasn't missing anything serious.

At first I panicked, but then the pediatrician assured us he just wanted basic testing done. So off to the ER we went. I was so thankful for my mom. I was a wreck. When we got there, Brody and then ushered into a private room so he wouldn't catch anymore germs in the regular waiting room. By this point, I wanted to see if he'd nurse. Luckily he did and he ate well. I breathed a little sigh of relief knowing he had just recieved some nutrition. The time was 4:00pm, he hadn't eaten well since 8:00 that morning with me. 

He then needed blood drawn and I had to follow a nurse into a separate room . I had to lay him down, but I held his little hand and talked to him. He only cried for a second and then just followed my eyes until it was done. I was then sent back to the private waiting room where we waited until his chest exam was ready to be done. Meanwhile my mom was making phone calls and updating the family. 

The chest exam test terrified me. It looked like a torture device. He was put into a clear, plastic cylinder vertically and I was told to hold his arms above his head and blow in his face. After so many pictures at one angle, the machine he was in would rotate, and take photos of the next angle. At first, he was doing well and was doing a small cry but was maintaining. But once the machine had to swivel and he couldn't see me anymore, he wouldn't stop screaming until I could hold him. 
I felt so bad for him, he was exhausted. Every time he fell asleep, we had to wake him up for new testing. They wanted a urine sample, they tried with a catheter but he had nothing to give. By then, they realized how seriously dehydrated he was and began the iv process.

That did it. Brody had been screaming all day, but nothing compared to the iv. They couldn't get the needle in, again and again they tried. I felt like time had stopped and I felt trapped. My mom had been holding Brody's little hand and she looked up and asked me if I wanted to leave. That snapped me back into reality. I went to my son, grabbed his hand with my own, got as close to his face as possible, and stroked his fine head hairs. I told him what a strong boy he was and it was okay. He was over all the poking and prodding. His screaming had turned into chocking on his own flemm and be was bright red. Tears were streaming down my face as his big eyes looked at me, pleading for help. He never took his eyes off me, he knew it was momma. I felt it. 

After what seemed the hundredth time, I wanted to scoop my baby up and run. I was over it too. I wanted to protect and shield him from anything else that caused him pain. 

Finally after a few more attempts, they managed to secure the iv in his hand and wrapped his arm up in cloth so he couldn't hurt himself.

Meanwhile, Bradd had walked into the room by now and I was quietly "shhh" Brody to sleep and still stroking his head. I was allowed to hold him and for the next two hours I held my boy while the fluids and antibiotics dripped into him...

... To be continued ...

Friday, January 3, 2014

365 Brody Blessings

Brody's growing up faster than my eyes can blink....and I don't like it. 

It's amazing to see my heart outside of me. Brody, you are enough. Sometimes, when I'm home alone with you I find myself grabbing your sweet perfect face. I put my hands on your small, yet chubby cheeks, squish your teeny face close to mine, and just hold you. I know you, and yet I don't my Brody, there isn't a thing in the world that you need to do to earn my love. You don't need to prove anything, to earn anything from have it all.You are the tiny heart that fills my world. I love you with every fiber in my soul. Thank you.

Thank you for making me happy.
For finally showing me how to love myself.
Loving April as a mom. 
As a provider. As a nurturer. As a teacher.

I wouldn't trade feeding you at night, just the two of us. I wouldn't trade bath time, and just holding you close. You are my breath. I thank God everyday for making me your momma. I am honored. You're already a beautiful soul, sculptured by God and loved by so many. 

Last night as I tiptoed to your crib, I had a moment. I had rocked you to sleep, and you passed out in my arms. I always put you in the middle of the crib, with you on your back and a heavy blanket you can't kick. As I looked at you in your crib, you had moved all the way to the bumpers, as if you were trying to find me. When you sleep with me, you bury yourself as close as possible. As I watched you sleeping I realized you had tried to do just that.

You melt my heart. I could watch you sleep for hours. God has truly given me the greatest gift. 

I've started 365 Brody blessings to remind myself everyday how much you're changing and growing. Since you've been born, blogging verbs difficult yet I know it's the most important time to be documenting our life, your life. I don't want to miss one I came up with 365 days of wiring about you. It may just be a thought, a word, a picture. But it'll be documented, and down the road I'll be reading the posts, cherishing then. Today is day 3 of Brody Blessings...362 more blessings to go!

Until next time,

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Reaching for Love

I'm not the same person I was two months ago. Two months ago I didn't realize what type of mom and son relationship I would have. I knew I'd fall head over heels in love. But it's what I didn't expect that has made all the difference. I didn't expect to be so fiercely protective right away. I didn't expect he'd become my most prized possession. I didn't expect to still smile the moment he looks at me in the morning...even if I've only had a few hours. I didn't expect him to make my heart so FULL.

On Wednesday, December 18th, something changed between us forever. I had Brody on my bed. He was cooing and talking to me, his gaze fixed on mine. He was listening intently to every sound I was making, I could just tell. Then, a tiny hand reached out to touch my face. 

Plenty of times in his excitement with his feet pumping and arms flaring he's come into contact with my face, but this time was different. He dropped his hand, and again reached for my face...and this time didn't let go. 

Tears immediately filled my eyes as I kissed those perfect tiny hands and took in this moment with him. His dark eyes latched onto mine, as if we had frozen time. Something changed. We changed as a mommy and son relationship...we bonded in a deeper, more trusting way that afternoon.